Where Do I Even Begin?

Just a little heads up. The writing style will be different on this one than with previous blogs. Here's why. This particular blog is all my own personal story, not a mixture of information and personal experience like those before. Why am I telling my own story this time? Well, if you're like me, you may want to know that you are, in fact, not alone. Or, you may also not know how your brain works differently than others, but whatever the case may be, I want you to know that we all struggle with things sometimes, and if this does reflect you or some mannerisms, you are not alone, or weird, or different....ok, you are actually different, but there are a lot of people out there like you. Different is good. Trust me on this.

Ok, so I'm about to get real-real for a minute, or ten. I have been sharing with some of you in the last year or so how I found out I have ADHD. Mind you, I'm 46, almost 47, and I just found out when I was 44, if you can believe it?

A little history on myself for those who don't know me personally. I grew up in a small town and an even smaller school. It was K-12, all in three little buildings, and each class was 100 kids or fewer. I graduated in 1997, so it's been a minute, I know. When I was younger, no one really talked about ADHD, OCD, or Autism like they are discussed now. We didn't have the internet to spread information and awareness as we do now. Sure, we had The Oregon Trail and AOL dial-up (you're welcome if the tone is now stuck in your head), but we didn't have Blogs, videos, reels, and every form of information you could want at the end of the keyboard stroke as we do now. My parents and those before them definitely didn't have that either, so knowing what signs or symptoms to look out for was just not a thing. It's not that they didn't love us; they just didn't know any better, and why would they? In those days, people kept personal issues....wait for it, private. GAH, I know? Who would do such a thing? Um, everyone.

So how did I find out? Well, I was talking to a counselor a few years back when I was explaining to her that I'm exhausted all the time, my brain fog was so bad that I had actually asked my doctor how young was too young for early onset dementia, and I was finding it harder and harder to navigate multiple tasks at one time like I had my entire life. I was crying and saying I thought something was seriously wrong with me one minute, then extremely ticked off about all the same things the very next. It was an emotional roller coaster from hell, and I was desperate to get off the thing. She casually said she thought it was due to my ADHD and that it was all perfectly normal, and she could help me with coping mechanisms and a way to get my train back on the tracks, so to speak. So yeah, I just sat there with this blank look on my face, not moving, while my brain was now going 1000 mph. Um, what did she just say? Who has ADHD? Where in the world did that come from? Clearly, she wasn't listening to me.

I said to her, "Um, I think you're confused. I don't have ADHD. I'm 44, no one has EVER said a word to me about that. Don't you think my teachers or parents would have figured it out a long time ago if that was the case?" She politely chuckled and said absolutely not. It's not something that was tested for when I was younger, especially in girls, because the H stands for hyperactivity, and girls rarely physically show this, more in the way our brains have 100 tabs open all at the same time, vs boys are more likely to manifest this part physically. Can't sit down, never stops moving, etc. After she said this, I am pretty sure I tuned out the next however many minutes because I was stuck in my rapid-fire thoughts and replaying situation after situation from throughout my life. She clearly recognized this was happening and asked me if I would like her to "confirm" it for me. I snapped to and said a very emphatic yes in response.

Her next question was this...." Carissa, in your school years, how many times did you get remarks or reports sent home to your parents from your teachers?" I replied with a laugh at first. She just continued to look at me, so I responded with "Who doesn't?" She then said, "Most never get one." Ok, now I know her cheese has slid off her cracker because that simply is not possible! I laughed again and said something along the lines of "Yeah, right!" So she asked me the question again. I thought about it for a minute and replied with, "Like, what kind of remarks?" Her response was "Any and all remarks." Ok, well, what years was she referring to? "Lets go with K-6th." Ok. My turn again, "So kindergarten - 6th grade, I got remarks all 4 quarters, all 6 years, that said talks too much, easily distracted, distracting to others, too social, won't quit talking, too friendly, and on and on." She smiled at me kindly and said, "You 100% have ADHD, and that's ok. It's nothing to be ashamed about, nor is it a bad thing. We just need to help you finally figure out how to manage it and understand it so you can cope daily in a healthier way."

For once, I was at a complete loss for words. My brain was rapidly firing away, and at that moment, I forgot I hadn't started the dryer after adding wet clothes to it, but I would deal with that later, as I did most things. OH MY GOSH! DO I HAVE ADHD? Still in denial. I laughed and said to her, "What elementary-aged school kid doesn't get remarks like that?" She raised her hand. I said "Bull crap!" Again, she laughed and sat there quietly, which I later understood as her giving my brain time to process all this new information. I left that appointment and promptly called my best friend, who was in no way surprised by the information bomb I had just dropped on her. I was honestly a little hurt by her response, my husband's response, and anyone else I was close enough to tell my dirty little secret to. None of them seemed surprised by this info in the least. What the actual hell! Have I been that out of touch with reality my entire life, so much so that I couldn't see the signs? Apparently yes.

I tend to defy authority or disprove things I don't like, so naturally, I conducted my own little experiment in the months to come. Almost every single person who sat in my styling chair got asked the same question my counselor had asked me. You know, the one about remarks from teachers. Guess how many actually got remarks vs those who got NONE? I emphasize none there because it still blows my mind that it's even possible, but that's for another time, I guess. Anywho, 2 out of prob close to 100 clients said they got lots of remarks like me. They both have been officially diagnosed with ADHD as well, and the others....I'm pretty sure they are all lying because again, it's NOT POSSIBLE. It's just not. LOL

What have I learned these last couple of years? Lots. I mean lots. Every time I turn around I'm seeing another reel or post about ADHD, and I'm sure it's because my algorithims are helping out there, but the point is, I now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, why my brain reacts the way it does, why I do things the way I do, and how to use those towards my own good. I call them my ADHD superpowers, and I'm sticking to it. I'll be posting more about ADHD going forward, as I'm currently, as of this moment deciding to turn this into a series. Yep, there's one example of how my brain works. It is constantly running in the background, like the air purifier you have in the bedroom....somewhat quietly, but always there, always running, and getting things done. While I've been typing, my brain has been coming up with multiple ideas on how to go about this particular subject. Multi-tasking at its best. Consider this Part 1. In upcoming parts, I'll be discussing some terms that are becoming popular, some traits that are unique to us "nurodivergents", and some quirky little facts you may not know, didn't know you needed to know, and can't understand how you lived this long not knowing. I have no idea right now how many "parts" there will be in said series, but when I know, you will too.

Much Love,

Carissa